Hello Beautiful People and a very happy bank holiday Monday to you all!
Whilst my Facebook and Instagram feeds are filled with people spending their bank holiday going on walks, eating delicious looking food and generally having a wonderful time, I'm spending my day chained to my desk, trying and failing to apply for jobs.
Applying for jobs is horrific. You have to say positive things about yourself and make yourself sound like you care about stuff. I spend most of my life being incredibly self-deprecating and sarcastic. Job applications therefore are not my strong point.
Over the last couple of months that I've been seriously applying for jobs (aka banging my head against my desk and wishing I was doing something, anything, else) I've noticed there is a recurring pattern of thoughts that this hellish process induces, so I thought I'd share them with you.
1) OK, I've got this, I am functioning adult human, I am totally capable of finding, applying for and getting a job. I can do this. I have lots of skills and experience that would be beneficial to any employer. This is definitely something I can do.
2) Hang on, I need to make a cup of tea first.
3) OK, tea made. Lets look through all these emails from the millions of job sites I've signed up to.
4) I'm so glad I spent ages filling in all those profiles so I don't have to trawl through loads of random science jobs before I find a lonely arts jobs, that would have been such a pain.
5) HANG ON! WHY ARE THESE ALL FOR ENGINEERING?
6) I did not select the engineering filter. Why is this happening?
7) Maybe I should have done engineering. There seems to be a lot of jobs in engineering.
8) Ooooooh an arts job! Finally!
9) It's in Bristol. Fantastic, because that's a totally feasible commuting option.
10) I need more tea if I'm going to stick at this.
11) OK, this one looks pretty good and it's local too.
12) It says it would suit a recent graduate. Perfect!
13) This is great, I think I would actually enjoy doing this job.
14) I could DEFINITELY do this job.
15) I meet all the essential criteria and most of the desirable ones. I am totally the best person for this job.
16) This is brilliant. There is no way they won't hire me. It's like I'm made for this job.
17) Hang on...
18) Must have at least 6 months full time experience in the field.
19) WHAT???
20) You said it would suit a graduate YOU LIED TO ME!
21) HOW CAN I BE A RECENT GRADUATE AND HAVE FULL TIME EXPERIENCE???
22) THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
23) I didn't want that stupid job anyway.
24) OK lets move on and start again.
25) I feel like I've been trawling through these sites for days. I can't remember what life was like before this.
26) I need more tea. I actually can't cope unless I make another brew NOW!
27) Hallelujah! Here we go. Its local, its in the right sector, I'm definitely qualified, I have the right experience, the wage isn't actually that bad...
28) "Must have access to own vehicle"
29) G@LN*GL_)()&^>BS>?")_Y*@
30) I'M SORRY I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY A CAR! MAYBE IF YOU GAVE ME A JOB I COULD YOU BASTARDS!
31) This is completely ridiculous.
32) I'm running away to join the circus, its the only option.
33) OK this one doesn't look awful. The pay is crap but at this point I am really not in a position to be picky. Lets do the application form and see what happens.
34) Question 1 "Why do you want to work for us?" I don't. I don't even know what this application is for. I have no desire to work for you. Or anyone. I've completely lost the will to live.
35) I do not know how to adult.
36) I'm going to be unemployed forever.
37) I need a break. Lets check Facebook. WHO GOT A JOB!? How have they managed to get a job? I didn't even know they could write. This is so unfair. I would totally be able to do that job WAY better than they ever could.
38) My life is awful.
39) Get it together woman. There is a job out there somewhere. YOU CAN TOTALLY DO THIS!
40) Oh screw it, I'll write a blog post instead.
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